Years ago, I found myself playing the role of a Pokemon gym leader at a convention. My duties as part of this unofficial Pokemon League included taking on challengers, being overly dramatic, and awarding those who bested me with the badges we’d made. All gym leaders have a theme, and back then I chose to focus on Water-type monsters — especially those with a regal bearing. Should I repeat the experience, however, I would choose differently. I would choose an elite team composed of Pokemon who are my sons.

What makes a Pokemon a son? Sonhood is an ineffable quality, but those Pokemon who attain it tend to have one or more of the following attributes: a large, powerful body, a foolish-looking grin, elegance, refinement, and, of course, a total lack of respect. In building a roster of Son-type Pokemon, I would undoubtably have the advantage against non-Son-based teams. And at the end of the day, even if my sons lost, I would still be proud of them.

Koffing

On the surface, Koffing may not seem to have a lot going for him — he’s a floating stink orb with no limbs. But first of all, he’s doing his best. Second, he’s cheery and upbeat. Third, can you levitate to avoid Ground-type moves? I didn’t think so.

Hoothoot

My Son Is An Honor Student At New Bark Town Middle School

Corphish

Remember that Frasier episode where Frasier’s son Freddy comes to stay with him but now he’s a goth? That’s what it’s going to be like when Corphish evolves into Crawdaunt and gains Dark typing. Unlike Frasier, I will respect my son’s exploration of identity and need for autonomy as he goes through his difficult teen years. Until then, Corphish is the “ruffian” Pokémon and that’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.

Snivy

My fancy son has been ever so good on this outing and as such I will purchase him an ice lolly.

Feraligatr

It’s natural for parents to have all kinds of hopes and dreams for their children. But sometimes, you have to be able to let go of those plans and support your child in a venture you never would have expected them to embark on. Maybe you wanted your kid to be a doctor but they become an artist instead, maybe they want to leave home instead of carrying on the family business. Or maybe, like Feraligatr, they looked at the path laid out for them and decided that actually, they’d rather be a Digimon. Well you know what? I love my Digimon son.

Heracross

Everywhere we go, people are in awe at the size of my lad. He also knows martial arts.

Roserade

My son is a successful beauty YouTuber who is never involved in any kind of online drama because I read Conflict Is Not Abuse to him every night as a baby.

Krokorok

Look. Has my son committed crimes? Yes. Is he going to commit more? Almost certainly. Would I ever turn him in to the cops? I’d sooner die.

Croagunk

Does my son vape? Fuck yeah my son vapes.

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